Scene III: WHO IS Q?
At the close of the last scene, our heroes were in a large and very elaborate spy control center. All kinds of strange and violent things are happening to test dummies, so it looked a lot like the pre-show for ride Test Track at EPCOT.
“Let me sum up,” Chris says, “I was attacked by babes in spandex in the opening scene. I was good for me. Bennet couldn’t figure out how to do the traditional silhouetted naked dancer opening sequence. Maybe someone can find something at http://livinwithdiabetes.com/”
“In scene two it took forever to learn what everyone already knew when be heard my theme music: A maniacal megalomaniac threatens global domination by controlling a particular commodity market – probably involving rockets and or satellites in space.
"Right. Everyone caught up? Okay. Time for toys. "Where is Q, the much beloved senior statesman of the film series?”
“He is first in line for the bus over there.” says M. (M will no longer be “M” the quotes were a pain.)
“Q - A maniacal megalomaniac threatens global domination by controlling a particular commodity market – probably involving rockets and or satellites in space." M shouts to Q, "Can we interrupt?”
“Sure M! Oh, hello Chris!” - David
“Hi David.” - Chris
“Chris you can’t call Q, David or nobody will know who is who. Call him Q” - M
“Who?” - David
“Q's on first.” – Chris quips very please with himself.
“OK 007. Let's get down to spy toys. I still want to get a picture of George when he comes down to the lobby in a dress.” - Q
“Right Q what have you got” – Chris
Q picks up a big sharpie pen from the table, “Okay it is traditional in these things to have some heavy fire power in a writing implement.”
In previous productions MontBlanc had a product placement deal but with the cutbacks around here, we are left with a fat sharpie from lost and found. On the plus side it is big so we can stuff in more fire power.” He points the pen at your humble narrator, “Should I demonstrate?”
‘No need Q” – Chris, “Laser and explosives what type?”
“Yes. – C4. Are you sure you don’t need a demonstration?” - Q "Your Death May Vary if I don't get some respect here Mr Narrator."
“Anything else?” Chris asks trying to distract Q who is still menacing the narrator with a variety of weaponized household objects.
“Well stealthy communications devices are also standard issue. You double O types are so aggressively type A you never use them to call for help but here.” Q hands Chris a standard Motorola Razr.
Chris gives it a dirty look.
“Listen you are in a blogger summit, every other person down here has one of these mobile phone things. Anything else would look suspicious.”
“Kinda old school” Chris looks dejected, in an iPhone world a Razr is like Santa put coal in his stocking.
Given you particular mission I thought this would come in handy. Q hands 007 an Accu Chek Multi Click six shooter lancing device.
“Very nice Q” Chris says, “What does it do.”
“It is a lancing device. You put a hole in your finger and test the blood that comes out. Later Rinse Repeat”
“Yeah but what cool weapon is hidden inside Q?” – Chris
“It is a regular lancing device. Mr. Thomas. It uses a 6 lance revolver like cartridge."
"Now if you use these slightly modified cartridges well that is a different matter.”
“Yes” Chris is warming to the device finally.
“Well they I modified them by taking out the stop. You see it will not only fire a hole in your finger it will shoot the little metal shard right out of the thing. Set it on 8 and the range is about 1600 yards.”
“Now for your ride…” – Q
Chris perks up.
“… Not your standard fair. Here we have a 20 person shuttle bus.” - Q
“What the crap this is Bull Sh..” – Chris
“Now Now Mr. Thomas you have to consider the summit situation. Your typical BMW or Austin Martin just wouldn’t do.” Q interrupts.
Looking at M, Q explains, “It is has a stroked and board 455 with polished ports and the usual array of weaponry. And this is different, the air conditioning is designed to not be able to keep up with the sun so you can cook the occupants of one side of the bus simply by keeping the sun on that side. Nice if you have a load of bad guys on one side.”
Turning Back to Chris, “The usual set of controls, guns, smoke ejector seats, turns into a submarine or personal rotor-craft.”
“Why are we bothering with all this M?" Q has turned to the boss and is irritated, "An attack from space by maniacal evil megalomaniac, Bennet is writing this, how much more obvious can it be?” Q blurts out, “’BadShoe’ is known as Evil Emperor Zurg on the Disney boards don’t you people properly cyber stalk anybody.
“Lets just get this thing done, maybe Chris can get back to the hotel or Ski Lodge or where ever he left his latest. Here’s you Summit registration package, I’ll go load the vehicle.” Q hands Chris a white envelope and storms off. The package reads, “Be on the bus at 7:45 AM.”
Next up - Scene IV: Not so Fast Q